So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Floor bacon is actually really good
YAS. BRING CRAB.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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