The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
