I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
A+ Viking dick
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
