I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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