can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
