i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
