Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
