i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
