She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
