Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
