I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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