My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
