ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
