We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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