Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
