when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
not ubering you a puppy
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