Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize