so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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