brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
