so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
