everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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