I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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