it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
