Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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