see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
