I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
