just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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