I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
