I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
