It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
