you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
