Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
