Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
