Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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