Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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