The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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