then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
