Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
