Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
