Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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