before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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