i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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