im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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