So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
