Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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