Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
