If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
