I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
