I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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