took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
