I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
